Midterms start tomorrow!
I'll be here on the internet almost as much as usual, but please don't encourage me to fool around. I really don't need the incentive. >.>
Every time, I know that getting my hopes up only makes me upset...
Somehow, though, it's happened again...
Can I truly enjoy the only vacation I've ever picked for myself?
Who knows...?
Oh, this is ridiculous. Why do I feel so awful about going to Japan? Yes, it does prevent the family reunion for my grandfather's eightieth birthday (well, 80th by Chinese years). But no one would dream of reproaching me, mainly using the logic "but you were the one who proposed your trip first". Somehow, I hoped it would make me happy...
But I'm sure those of you who know me well know, or could guess, that I'm always, always hiding guilt at being the one who got "the most". But when I do sacrifice... Oh, I'm so bitter about it.
I suppose the happy medium would be agreement. Compromise is impossible for things like this, so we'll have to settle for agreement - if it could be possible. But, no, it's always yielding (usually by me, though not without a fuss that spoils everyone else's fun).
I'll just imagine seeing Koharu in real life at last, even if only from a distance, and let that comfort me, if nothing else can.
Today I remembered:
1) Why I stopped reading novels. (Which was a strange thing for someone as arguably intelligent and fond of literature as me to do.)
2) How utterly incompetent I am at living life. I'm so easy to set off, just whisper-whisper-whisper, like that!
In other news... Sick again. I mean, beyond the sinusitis. Actually, this might be the same or a related problem, but my throat is killing me... It might be something else though, in which case I can and will do something drastic (I don't know what exactly yet) to my head (which is the source of all my problems)!
You know... If people didn't have heads (I mean, had evolved sans heads, not had them chopped off!), a lot of medical problems would be solved... Though I suppose a lot more logistic ones would have appeared.
...My schedule is so dead.
They haven't done schedules yet, but I get the feeling schedule conflicts will kick me out of AP English.
There's a long story as to why I'm predicting that, but the short story is that my class is a bunch of Bad Overacheivers that Need to Suck It Up and Take AP because Overacheivers Should Want to Take AP English. And that I hope the Honors teacher is hard and they all fail Honors so I can laugh at them for not taking AP. And killing my schedule.
...You know, I think all my troubles started when I walked into high school and decided I was going to have taken ten AP classes by the time I graduated. This is clearly a Bad Goal, if only because now I have to pray for the schedules to work out in my favor. My luck is bad, so...
"Buying $100 in Christmas gifts for you makes you spoiled."
"How many percent do you want to go to Yellowstone, and how many percent do you want to go to Japan to watch a Morning Musume concert?" (can you tell me what my answer was/how obvious and stupid the question was? i bet you can.)
"I spent ten minutes more than I meant to at the store you told me you really, really didn't want to go to, so I don't have time to bring you to get fast food."
"Why did you have to ask me where the masking tape was? If you hadn't, and I hadn't gone to get it, your brother wouldn't have thrown up!"
"You know how you were telling your friends how your brother throwing up wasn't your fault? Well, you're not blameless! You didn't put the camera away!"
"You're so spoiled lately."
"You have a bad temper because there's not enough light in your room."
..."You're depressed because you have a bad personality."
Gee, I wonder why I'm depressed? -_-; I know better now, of course, but it's not like I can just magically forget years of ... the above?
I could make witty replies and totally point out the utter lulz apparent in what my parents say... But, (un?)fortunately, I know better (?) and keep my head down.
In the eternal words of a boy from school: "Wow, your dad must be a dickweed."
OH, LIFE.
five days until christmas (four, depending on your point of view), and i'm just totally down in the dumps. ...then again, aren't i always...?
maybe i'll make some new year's resolutions this time around. then again... how can you get to a point when you have no idea how?
there's three months and three days until my birthday. i love the number three.
...but i wasn't planning this post, or anything... ...coincidentally, it will have been nine years since i last had a birthday party... (again, the exact number depends on your point of view, but...)
hm... i used to love nine, but when i grew up i realized twenty-seven was a much more logical number to love...
...i'm probably the only person my age who doesn't like getting older. i hate my birthday, but i hate getting older in general, even beyond the date itself...
...ah, i haven't even asked for anything for christmas yet... (but that's almost as old as not asking for birthday gifts). i don't want to, even. i want things but i don't want to ask. ...i'm not making any sense, really... it makes sense to me but it's... complicated.
IN CONCLUSION FROM NOW TO AFTER MY BIRTHDAY I WILL LIKELY BE DEPRESSED. I MEAN, MORE SO THAN USUAL.
OMFG WHY? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THIS WAY? STUPID HABITS THAT HAVE CAUSES.
T_______________________________________
I started saline rinses today... (Yes, I was supposed to start them three weeks ago. Shut up. Just because I'm chicken -)
They hurt like a bitch. Actually, I'm not sure if hurt is the right term, but they left me in tears. It didn't hurt like the cut kind of hurt, more... Pressure in areas that should never feel pressure.
Basically, it's shooting water up your nose... Not filling your nose with water and letting it drip out... Shooting it so it comes out your mouth.
How disgusting is that?
...I do feel better, but can I summon the courage to do this three times a day...?
For the rest of my life?
...Why couldn't I have some other problem...?
ETA: Now that my head is clearer, I would like to say that I have said some really, really ridiculous things in the past three months (<-- aka how long I've been sick). Sometimes I was stupid, and quite often made myself sound like an idiot. I swear it was all the sinusitis' fault. I'm not even joking, you have no idea how irritable and senseless the goddamn mucus in my head made me.
If my mom weren't a doctor, how much medication would I be on?
(As for why that is... Because my mom is a doctor, I never go to the doctor's, and mommy, of course, is more-or-less in denial about the whole need for medication... and I will admit I hide the extent of that need from her.)
...Ah, perhaps it's for the best... I did badly on Zoloft, after all. Maybe it just wasn't a "strong" enough depression medication, but I did really, really, really badly on it. Maybe it made me worse, maybe I got worse for other reasons, but at any rate I didn't get better. And the placebo effect was working in my favor, too...
...Maybe if mommy weren't a doctor, I would have had sinus surgery too by now... God knows I need some sort of resolution to this problem. I'm still not exactly sure what's wrong with me... I thought it might be sinusitis, but may or may not be... Might just be a new chapter in my ever-increasing list of chronic problems, this time hardcore headaches. >.<
... I'm like a black hole for compliments, really... I can never quite have enough.I have love deficiency I never quite feel loved, haha.
...
...Well, I don't, and that's the truth. No amount of denying it will change it, will it? So I might as well just say it. Even if I "know" people like/love me... I can't ever "feel" it. Oh, it's perfectly awful...
For me, I want some sort of promise! But it's not as though things work like that. I want... Things. That I can't have.
...Today, without prompting, I took some Tylenol... It's been a while since I took it for a headache - these days, I stick to Advil, really.
...For those who know about The Incident, please don't worry about me. I'm honestly not going to do anything... Even though I'm like *EMO* all over the place. I mean, I can't promise I'm never going to but I really have no intention to do anything right now.
By which I mean I have craploads of work. Actually, I always do, but lately... I'm complaining about it! :O (Which is a bad habit.)
For example, we have chemistry lab reports more or less every week... By which I mean we have lab reports on weeks when we don't have a double period test. Hence, we have a week to do them. Today, I wrote our most recent lab report, due tomorrow. It was assigned thirteen days ago, actually, but... No one started (except the hardcore overachievers). Because, you know, we kind of had a chemistry project, too. (That I spent eight hours, 250 hand-pulled cotton balls, and five bottles of glue on... Don't ask.)
Today, my lab report took me three and a half hours! (Plus half an hour of answering questions about the lab...)
The product of my time?
A ten-page lab report. (Technically thirteen, but I had a lot of half-pages...) Five pages of calculations, four pages of text, and a page of charts. (And, yes, I am incredibly fast at work work writing but incredibly slow at writing for fun.)
So, there we have it - the life of someone stuck in work she can do but doesn't want to do.
And... Well, I probably should've made time over the weekend to do more work than I did (I did eleven hours of work over our four-day weekend), because I have to do history notes (which is a lot more time-consuming than it sounds - like three or four hours time-consuming), finally sort out what I'm doing in my various math classes this week, and beat my English essay into shape...
And I think I messed up my A+ in Spanish... >.<
The funny thing is, this is the usual crunch I'm under, but I just suddenly started complaining recently...
(And for the curious, I'm in three AP classes, two honors classes, gym, and spanish (which doesn't have honors until, like, AP). Except that wouldn't even be a hard courseload, but AP chem is stupid and not technically AP chem - it's MS AP chem, which means it's randomly hardcore. Like, skip the usual honors chemistry than AP chemistry routine. Well, I believe in skipping courses, but 90% of the work is BS and totally unneccesary. And the stupid MS is the excuse for the teachers to pile nonsense on us that doesn't even teach anything worth knowing...)
Ah, recently, I've gotten some new friends, so I wanted to talk about, like, real life me! I don't want to tell people where I live just because I don't believe in flocked posts (I friend anyone who asks anyway) and posting places publicly is so not kosher. But, hey, unless you happen to have seen my house, how can house photos hurt?
Well, okay, not really. I have two reasons for this post:
1) All my schools friends have facebooks and other real-life picturey stuff, and I felt left out. =[
2) I took house photos two months ago to email them, and that email is creeping out of my "sent emails" box.
Lol such strange reasons!
Ah, being a student, it's technically my parents' home... So don't think anything funny! And they were taken in August, so, no, I don't live in Hawaii. =p
What do I say. Srange, isn't it. That the very words I'm most comfortable behind fail me when it comes to reality.
Hearts are for the blind. We're all blind. That's life, I suppose.
I want to say... I want to say something, but I can't.
Do you understand? Friending isn't like real-life "friending". There are people on my flist I don't know. Several I feel vague comtempt for, and such and such. Yet even their woes make me sad.
I can't do that.
You can call it denial, stupidity, suppression...
But I can't.
It's right to tell others about your troubles, of course; but I don't want to. If they were robots or I a faceless patient, then yes.
Yet what can I do? I want to talk, but even permission from others and longing from me cannot make me.
Why is this?
Hypocrisy, probably.
I have three tests on Monday and an essay tomorrow. :( :( :(
:( :( At least I'm lucky and learning comes easily to me. I couldn't imagine being, well... not dumb, but average.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
No, I am not laughing in a good way.
To add insult to injury, I seem to be a part of the planning crew. Notfunnynotfunnynotfunny. I am not a happy camper.
As to why I am so injured, it's because I haven't had a birthday party since I turned seven. Of course, the 'rents say they "want" to have birthday parties, but...
Well, let's say the last birthday present I got was a brood of chickens when I turned ten or so, about a hundred and some dollars, and I was harassed for growing bored of them for about a year.
I am so angry right now, I am going against my personal policy of avoiding people grumbling at me and demanding a butterfly themed birthday party next year. Not that I'm exactly against favoritism (I actually believe in moderate favoritism with reason), but I do hate liars and hypocrites.
NotfairnotfairnotfairANGRY.
Yes, I realize I'm being childish. I just want... Oh, I don't even know anymore. To be spoiled, I guess.
...
Wait, I have no one to say "take that" to, considering no one's told me there's no chance I would get a 5. XDDDDD
I suppose I don't act like it on the internet, but I hate being told I can't do something... Well, when it comes to academics. Everything else, I'll be like, "Yeah, I suck. Tell me something I don't know." Anyway, even if it's implicated - "This is very selective", etc. - I'm like GRRRRRR no way would I not pwn. Considering how short I am on motivation, this is probably a good thing...?
I also hate being left out of so-called "academic opportunities". I know perfectly well most of them are a waste of time, but whatever.
At any rate, I was expecting a five. Wasn't very nervous beforehand. When I say "beforehand", I mean both before the test and before the results.
(P.S. Why does posting results always turn into "personality insights"? Yes, I mean that sarcastically.)
The official chance of getting in was about 16%... 330 people from "over 2000" (i.e. 2001) applicants. Still, most people from out-of-state only went if they had a chance of passing (i.e. our program in school only sent 5 people from our class of 21, and our class is pretty selective - my co-valedictorian from middle school got rejected), so I imagine pulling random high school students off the street would yield a lower percentage than that. But the way I always think about these programs is that 50% of the applicants had no chance of getting in, yet they wasted 3 hours and some money anyway.
How do I know the average applicant had no chance? Well, the stats say the average ninth-grade applicant did better than 59% of college freshmen they gave the test to. Tenth grade was at 71%, and eleventh at 82%. The average accepted person (including all three grades) did better than 98% of college freshmen.
I never understand why people take these tests even knowing they'll never pass. Maybe it's because I'm weird. :)
Anyway, what should I take what should I take?!? (Well, the link's for last year's program, but it should be similar.) I'm so excited!!!! I'm thinking Psychology because I want to self-study the AP, but what should I take the second half of the year?? I kind of want to take relativity / quantum theory or nano....
Edit: Whoops, forgot half of what I was going to talk about. Anyway, the test was math and science, but the math definitely carried me through. I guessed on most of the science questions. Hearing that, I bet you're thinking there's no way I did better than 98% of college freshmen, right? :P But, really, the math was very easy for me - even the "challenge" section. There was only one problem I didn't know, out of about.... 80? Our test scores aren't released, but I'm pretty sure I didn't get more than a few wrong.
Another reason I think the average applicant stood no chance - most of the people in my room (i.e. all but one or two) didn't finish the challenge section and barely finished the regular math section. Honestly, I feel people who are slow at math aren't the sharpest. People slow at math can be smart, but they can't be geniuses. But that's probably me being weird.
Gym/Health: A
History: A+
Spanish: A+
Research // Introduction to Computers: A+
Honors English: A
Honors Geometry/Algebra II: A+
Not bad, right? -_^
School just ended... I'm totally excited for next year, as strange as that sounds, considering I hate school. Still, five honors courses! (My GPA-obsessed self is drooling!)
Just to warn everyone, I will probably be spamming random academic results for the next two weeks or so. If you're always wondering where I am... This is where. :P Taking tests.
June 21 (tomorrow!): SAT Subject Tests: Biology score (probably >750, hoping for v. v. high score)
one to two weeks: report card, final grades (hoping for 4 A+'s, 3 A's - likely unless my teachers round down)
June 28: Columbia Science Honors Program results (hoping to, um, get in - am very worried about my science portion, confident about math)
July 1: AP Biology scores (am pretty sure I'll get a 5)
On the topic of test scores, my new SAT I target is 2350. I'm pretty sure I can do a 140-point improvement, since I didn't take it this year.
*counts* Including previously taken tests, that's... 10 - 15 APs, 8-10 SAT 2's, and 4 (!!) rounds of the SAT I. Yes, I am one of those bizarre people who like tests. That is also about $1500 in test fees. Ouch.
I wonder if I should stop using inside jokes all over my posts?
Hm, maybe I should steal a longer attention span.
I wonder what I got on my english midterm?
*panic panic panic*
OMG ENGLISH MIDTERM
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raiknii- ☆☆☆[doki no <yoru] yo ei {en>dless summer night}~!
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